VRAngel

i know how you feel, i just don't care.


Who's Your Happy Bunny?
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It's true! :)

I went to university today, and the list of students who didn't pay for the studies was up on dean's board. I wasn't in it :/
I could swear with anything or anybody, that I did not pay for my studies ... Am I already not a student, or it's just the wrong list or smth?
Haven't felt like this since childhood, when I was telling jokes and nobody was listening. A sense of total non existence to the surrounding world :)
Have a couple of theories though, but I better clear things out tomorrow at student consultation section at our faculty...

But still .. interesting ... :/

So, I had to do 4 tasks today:
1. Look good at the meeting at 11
2. Pay for my studies and erase myself from exluded students list
3. Meet a girl :)
4. Clean my room.

1. I woke up an hour later than i've planned, and left to work at 9:45 instead of 8:00 :) The meeting started at 13:00, and was about a totaly different topic than i have explected. I DID NOT do well on it. There was some yelling, blaming giult and stuff. This meeting sucked hard!
2. I had a lot of work, and could not get off from work at 15:00, so I DID NOT pay for my studies. I'm still on the list.
3. Called a girl, she said her mobile battery is empty, and she'll write SMS when she's having it charging. Of course, i did not receive anything till now :/ I guess this is NOT GOOD...
4. Had a meeting with friends about NY, so I have no more energy or will to clean anything. My room is STILL A TOTAL MESS.

To sum up - I did 0% of the tasks planned. Not bad for a start, huh?

I'm probably just a little drunk. It's nothing. I'll get over it, just as I did earlier. Now I just allowed my feelings to speak. It should not happen. My feelings never gave me anything good, just bad news, and too much of hope.
I had a month of misery. Now it's time to make up. Tommorrow I'm gonna do good. First thing - I'm gonna get up at 7 am. Usually I get up at 8:30 or 9 am and just sit around till 11 for no reason and then go to work. Tommorrow I'm gonna get up at 7, take a shower and at 8 I'll be off to work. Have a meeting at 11. I'll get ready for it really well, not as usual - some preparations 5 minutes before it (actually, I don't think I need more because I know my job really well), but just for the hell of it - I'm gonna prepare for it in a longer period. At 3 pm I'm gonna leave work, and head off to university, because I have to pay for it, and I'm late a couple months :) I'm already on excluded students list, so I have to try to stay in. I think I'll have to borrow some money from my parents, but it's OK. After paying, I think I'm gonna call a girl I kinda like :) I don't think she likes me, but I'm gonna make some things (not dirty ones you think) happen. I just owe it to myself. And maybe to her ... And at last, when I come home, I'll clean my room. Haven't done it for a couple of months (oh yes! I'm not lieing. If you think your room is a mess, you should see mine!). Shouldn't take more than 2 hours to clean it. And at the end of a day, I hope to be satisfied, and I hope I will not be afraid of the next morning ...
Four major tasks, which are probably simple everyday life in your world, but not mine. I don't live that way. I just don't do things because I don't care. But I figured - maybe things don't care about me because I don't care about them? Tommorow I'm gonna find out. God help me if I do right, and get no reward ... (Funny thing: I don't believe in God, but I adress it when I need someone to be guilty :)

Oh yeah. I think I'm gonna blow up pretty soon. I'm having this unexplained anger growing inside me. I really don't know why, but with every single day I want to kill them all. I mean all life. People, animals or plants... And I don't care if it's a child, or a homeless three legged puppy ... I just want to finish their existance ...
It's hard form me to say why .. Perhaps because I'm too weak to finish my existance and I could never harm myself. I'm a coward, and I know that. It's just .. every day I wake up, and I don't want to do anything, because I find no meaning of it. Work? It's laughable. Family? Simply boring. Friends? I guess jelousy is the biggest factor here. I have some reasons that seems right for everybody.
I guess it's just some crisis. Or depression. Or just simple desperation for care and love from others. But I can't fight it. I just don't find strength for it anymore. I've been doing it for a long time now. Every time I hang out with my friens, I shield myself with a wall of laughter and jokes (usually sarcasm). And every new day, I fell like I'm loosing capability of building that wall over and over again.
I don't care if it's because I don't have "my other half", as people call it. I know it's partly my fault. Maybe it's only my fault ... I (and I mean extra capital letter here) don't care...
My true wish this moment is .. that war .. world wide war would start. I could make a difference. At least I could try, because I'm not good in this world. I fail, wherever there's an opportunity. War would make us all equal. War would make it simple ...
Have to admit, I had a couple of beers at this point, and I'm feeling a little more drunk than I should be with this amount of alcohol :) But it feels good to finally say it: I hate myself!!! And for that I'm ready to punish everyone except me! Makes me hate myself even more.
(Extra capitals) BUT I DON'T CARE!!!

Yeah, another day at work. How boring is that? :)

They called me in to work today. And of course, I rushed my head off there for nothing. I should have learned from first couple of times about this, but some things just don't stay in my memory :)) Especially if it's about work :)

Found out that I'm in the expelled students list for not paying for studies. Couldn't care less :))The most interesting thing for me now is on-line football (soccer if your'e from USA, the only country in the world that call it by this name) simulator (hattrick). Maybe because it helps me to get away from the real world and try to be great at something. Though I'm not good at it either, bet it feels good to imagine otherwise :))

Again, nothing else to say ....

All the work and no fun makes VRAngel a dull boy
All the work and no fun makes VRAngel a dull boy
All the work and no fun makes VRAngel a dull boy
All the work and no fun makes VRAngel a dull boy
All the work and no fun makes VRAngel a dull boy
All the work and no fun makes VRAngel a dull boy
All the work and no fun makes VRAngel a dull boy
All the work and no fun makes VRAngel a dull boy
All the work and no fun makes VRAngel a dull boy
All the work and no fun makes VRAngel a dull boy
All the work and no fun makes VRAngel a dull boy
All the work and no fun makes VRAngel a dull boy
All the work and no fun makes VRAngel a dull boy
All the work and no fun makes VRAngel a dull boy
All the work and no fun makes VRAngel a dull boy

That was a good movie. Haven't read a book though.
I jus have nothing to say. I'm sucked into daily routine, and I stopped caring about everything. But not everyone :)
Off to bed again, and I HATE THE MORNING. I hope morning does not come. Don't worry, I'm not gonna harm myself ... maybe jus someone else, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

*VRAngel takes firefighting axe and ... you know the rest :)

Well, I guess things are not that bad. Turns out the girl at least was not afraid of me, and things are normal, moving forward. :)
Good thing my sensitive guy is locked in a closet, or he would be jumping around of happiness :))

Missed my chance to deal with university studies though. Still need a lot to do, just to break even with time left to exams. I'm not even talking about how much I have to do to get that diploma next semester. It's pretty impossible right now. But, as always, I'm hoping for a miracle :)) It's a miracle after-all I've made it this far. If you ask me what I've learned in university, you would hear a dead silence from me :) Nothing they actually teach reached my memory. But there are some stuff I've learned. I know now, that my tongue can get my out of difficult situations. I know that lecturers are quite lonely, and they like to chat, and like the one they're chatting with (that's how I've got my 10 in english :). I know how to arrange your "notes" during exam, so you find everything, and lecturer doesn't find it :) I also know how to choose which lectures i must go to, and which I can skip freely. :)

To think of it, university teaches you something. Teaches a little bit about life. But enough of this boring theme. I have to go to bed. It's weekday tomorrow after-all. Goodnight!

So I'm back to normal again. I think. Just took a day off this world. Spent it sitting around and doing nothing. No drugs, no alcohol. Had only one cigarette during whole weekeėnd. No, I'm not going to quit, I'm just testing myself. Actually, it helped :)
Damnit, why can't I have it both ways? Why do I have to become sensitive to like someone, and become sensless to feel happy? :) I guess it's self protection mechanism, so we don't kill ourselves when we get screwed over and over again :)

Ah, forgot what I wanted to say. Maybe nothing. Just that I'm OK. Thanks for comments on previous posts. They helped a little :)

Now I'm having an IRC chat with long lost friend. Nice to hear inki again! :)
Good night!

This bad date got me thinking about stuff. First of all, about my friends. Most of them ... well .. almost all of them have their second half, and ejoying it. But they're probably don't understand, that while they are joking, or just saying that I should also find a girlfriend, they hurt me really bad. Do they think I don't want that? Of course I would like to have a girlfriend.
But here's a thought: i have only noticed girls like me, that i really don't like. Not girls with just some minor setbacks, but only the ones, who's both, figure and character I find inapropriate.
So I could give up my dream girl, and have fun with someone I find just OK... But they don't. And my firends ... well, as I wrote about my date here, so they're probably be laughing about it next week. All of them. But if they laugh it in my face ... i can't hit my friends ... but i'll have to leave, so I don't start to cry...

Recently I became really pesimistic about things. Maybe my situation after the date is not that bad... And maybe I just need a good night sleep...
To think about it .. I live with my parents, and I don't care about them or apartament we live in. It's a total mess and I don't do anything, because it isn't mine. I study at the university. I don't care about that since the second semester (I'm in 7th semester now). I'm surprised thay didn't kick me out of there yet :) I have a job. It was interesting at first, but now they are giving me tasks that I cannot complete. It simply does not depend on me. And other don't care ... And the patients for explaining to simple lammers how to use M$ Word is running out .. quickly! So I hate my job now. I have a car. My dad's car. It should be mine, but usually my dad gives me orders what to do whith a car. He just loves to boss me around. Probably thinking he helps me to make it on my own by telling how to do stuff, but in this way, he only makes me mad for being a pushover, and how can I make it on my own, if someone tells me what to do? :)) I have a number of friends. But that is already fading away, as they have found their own families to spend the time with. It's only natural. I have a sister, who I love, but she has her boyfriend to take care of her.

So what do I have? Hope is the only thing left, probably. Nobody to care for me. And I know my friends would disagree, but please ... don't mention girls anymore. I'm getting sick of it. I'm not against setting me up to meet a girl. I'm against the pressure to have one as soon as possible. I will either make it on my own, or live alone, as I have planned.

The best way not to get hurt, is not to try anything with a risk of getting hurt ...

As I don't cry anymore physically, I need a place to cry morally, and I guess this is it :) Why do I need it? Oh, I had a date last night :)) Yeah, and what's worse that I kinda loved it.

Perhaps I need some explaining to do at this point. You see, I had 3 dates before :) I didn't like either of them, mostly becouse they were boring. Another important thing you shold notice from my date count - I don't have them very often :) So, let's continue.

We had a nice, but kinda fast walk through the old town (she's a fast walker :), ant then his some cofee house. At firs I was ready to take her to Pizza place, but my friend offered to stick with the coffe. Man, if she was hungry, I'm gonna kill them :) Whatever. So we had a nice chat (she was speaking 90% of the time) and a couple of cakes, so the listening part was not that boring for me. It's time to go home, the mood is not bad...

There is one more thing you should know. I haven't liked or loved o lot of girls. Mostly two. And i fucked up every possible move I could :) She waits for a compliment, I make a joke, she waits for a joke, I keep asking her out :)) But I stopped worrying now about my disgraceful past. After all, 4 or 5 years have passed :) Next on my date: some action! :))

So we find my car. It's snowing. Beautiful evening. I start it, wait for cars to leave open road, start moving ... and yes, perfect score for disgrace, humilliation (forgot how it spells, sorry) and financial trouble ... Moving backwards (windows are frozen, so I can't see everything)I hit a small tree with my front buffer. I move forwards, but it goes off anyway. :)) I think she loved this trick. :) The same, as my dad loved when he found out what I did to his car :D

Nothing really bad actually. I jut need a new front buffer, and maybe to straighten front wing a little. And the girl? Oh, she did bravely. She almost didn't mention it while I was taking her to her place, though SMS text changed today :) Only short answers, refusal to meet tommorow (reason with flaws, I could think of a better excuse :) and no wishing goodnight, though earlier it was usual :) Pretty clear messages :)

I don't know, if it was the loss of a buffer or me, but both ways - i screwed up. It's not a nice feeling you know... i'm really jelous of people, who are more attractive than me...

Though I don't think it's a really good morning. It was fun yesterday, and no accident happend, so I was really happy at the end of a day watching CSI ... But not now. It seems like everyday I'm getting more and more depressed .. I can't really say dapressed, because I'm not .. let's say sad, yeah, that's a good word. Every day I'm getting sadder about the next morning. I don't want the morning to come. I'm fine in the evening, with beer, friends, fun and ... no sense of responsibility to someone. Or something (like job). I hate mornings ... I HATE THEM. If I was god, there would be no mornings. I have to make mornings disapear! Sounds like a scenario for a cartoon or a high budget holywood movie :).
Okay, have to go to work kids, don't miss me! I don't miss you...

Havent wrote anything in a while ... In a very long while ... Ok, a real eternity. Even forgot how to write in english :) Eh .. Who cares if I make a couple mistakes .. it's good to be back! Would't be here if not for MasterMind_Hazord's reminder message :) Thank you MasterMind, I really needed this site right now. Lately I feel like I don't talk to anyone anymore ... So I can talk here, where only google's search engine listens :) And maybe not even "him" (or "it" .. it's your call).

DAMN! Everytime when I start feeling a little better, getting away from all the troubles, something's bound to come up. And here it is. 5 minutes I'm logged in, and my friend has a car problem. Braking liquid pipe broke, and he wants to drive across town to his dad's garage, where his dad would fix it. :D And it gets better. He wants not only to drive along with him and drive him back with my car, but also drive in front of him and .. oh yes .. NOT TO BRAKE RAPIDLY :)) This IS gonna be fun.

Ok, be back later. I'll tell more of myself, google tracker, look me up later!

Apathy, well I can say your lucky, in some ways.
You see Apathy is no emotion, basically you
don't care. But that does not make you a bad
person. Some of my friends are apathetic and I
love them, but it wouldn't hurt to care a
little more. Trust me life hurts, most people
who are apathetic do it cause they were hurt.
But don't worry, life is pain, its also
pleasure. Good luck. (please vote)


What Emotion Dominates you?
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Well, haven't wrote anything in a while ... I guess i just got bored :)

I have a hope today.

I have a hope, that I'll get the mark I was told by email by a lecteurer for Project Managing... But there's no way I could get 9,9 out of 10 for exam ... But I have hope it's not he who's mistakin':)

I have a huge hope my friends bday party will work out and I'll be able to make it there with some other friends. Despite technical problems with the car and finacial problems ... I have hope that friendship is stronger than distances and pricier than money :}

I have a hope i'll be in the list of student who hasn't to pay for studies (otherwise my parent's will kill me). Despite the fact that I'll probably woun't pass the last exam on Saturday (yes, we have some stinkin' lecteurers who give exams on weekends!) and my marks are like less then middle class ... :)) Whatever. I just have hope that there are some student's who knows even less than me ... (That's a mean hope, but I don't care:)

I also have a hope that I'll restore my relationship with my long lost friend. Things are getting kinda warmer and i hope we'll start talking again, like the old times at school. I have a hope that time heals ....

We have a saying in Lithuania (dunno if it's international): Hope is a mother of fools! I have a hope it's not true :)

well, i think i am still the same since the last message... I am still happy with my life, with my friends, i'm still lazy and i still don't do anything to pass those exams :) I guess i'm just a simple not interesting guy :)

Oh, there's a thing - my hair. It's a little curly, and very ... puffy or smth. Well, it seams that there is a lot of them :) Jesus, i don't know if it's good to grow them longer, 'cause I already look like 60's :)) But it's actually fun :)

Inside i feel lonely today. Nothing's going on. Damn exams ... I should go get some beer, but i can't ... Fuck it. I am gonna be patient and show some strength. To myself of course. I got nobody else to show it to ...

Ah well ... i like it like that, i suppose ...

I don't feel like putting any entry today ...

Well, I had that exam today and I think I will not pass :) Yet I was very creative at things I don't understand, so if the lecturer of mathematical analysis will appreciate my drawings of a flower and some butterflies, i might have a chance. Who am I kidding ... i will not pass. Even if he likes my flower (I really tried to draw it right! I had A LOT of free time during exam :) Ah, studies? Let's leave this theme and go to something more pleasent!
I had a celebration of my mothers birthday today (real birthday was 01 06, but who cares ...) Had a trip to AKROPOLIS (just a huge mall), and a dinner at pizzeria. Nothing special. Though I felt kinda tired after the exam, i did find strength in me to smile ...
And some other action went on in a chat later today. Some ... I don't like to tell everything, but I think you know why :) It was really wonderful and ... relaxing! Pity it's only a chat :)
Have you ever felt like so tired, that you fall asleep before your head touches the pillow? I feel similar now, just ... I want to go to sleep physically, but not psichologically (i wsh to be awake). So I'm gonna try to watch a movie or smth, and you keep on having a good night sleep. Have a good dream about happy tommorrow. I wanna kill the last tiny drop of strength left in me, so, i'm busy watching the movie :)

Well, one more thing I've noticed about myself. No it's not my tragical typing and numerous grammar mistakes :) I haven't noticed them yet ;) But I did notice my wish to teach people how to live .. Even if I post a comment, it says: "great, now do like I tell you 'cause I know what I'm talking about" .. Well, thats just one of bad things I do :) My bad habit, if you want :) Maybe that's who I am, maybe I havent learned my lesson yet, but don't mind me :) Don't take my thoughts as an order, just as a suggestion, or a preposition, or simply the example what I would do :)
I hate such bad habits of mine .. like a word that you repeat in your talks, just to make your speech more fluent :) I have such a word ... I change it to another once in a while, but i allways have at least one :) If someone knows how to cure this - please tell me!
(back to the main theme) Sometimes in a chat I pretend to be god (change a nick or smth)... then I feel a little bit different, but ... i like it at some level (if I have another level actually :) I like to control, without responsibility, and ... I don't know. I think that even my speach changes ... But I'm not a god. I don't know what to do in most cases and I can't make miracles for sure! (I have tried it! :)
Actually i think I just want to inspire somebody ... or some people. No, not to believe in god, no, I don't believe there is a god ... I just want to show something different. Usually my god personage stands on a completely opposite side then everybody else. I like such chalanges ...
You know what else I have noticed about myself? That I like to brag a lot :) So I think I'll end this now, before it's too late :) Good night everyone and have a good tommorow, 'cause i'm gonna burn in that exam, and i'm gonna burn hard!